It's the time of the year finally, where if i say "i'll see you next year" i dont mean in 12 months, i mean in 1 DAY! hahahahha. Idk why that feels so important to me.

Im sitting in front of my computer fully dressed and ready for the countdown party of 2011. Gayathri just called, reminding me about my promise to her last night when i was feeling cold, sleepy and dazed... that i would together with her wear RED lipstick to the ball. Like as if the last time i tried that i didn't end up looking like a china doll.

I was going to attempt k-box tonight. But my brother asked me to go play Playnation with him and his gf. Idk wat playnation is. All i know is that everything my brother does or is involved in the doing is fun. So im going. I'll do the k-box later. Die or Die i will sing karaoke. Simply because i have NEVER been in my entire life. (Save for trying to sing at home or back in the 1940s when my parents had one of those with the GIANT DISCs and a mic that never worked) And also i wouldnt want to attempt it when im 20 and in adulthood. I figured, its the new year, even if i embarrassed myself, im LEGALLY, LOGICALLY binded to the No-Embarrassment law. Its a fresh start after all.

I am feeling sad if only because im happy. I never thought i would. But 2010 has been the most fantastic year!!
Maybe its because i stopped studying. or maybe because i stared at this picture the whole year...

And while in my life i've never actually really celebrated the new years. The last time i did, was in 2010 and it involved so many angst and sadness and a new year resolution that i scribbled on a piece of paper the last minute involving things that i would NOT do. and why? And i cant even rmb if i wrote things that i WOULD do because i tore the paper up and threw it into the Singapore river. It was as if i gave them up even before the year started. But they were painful things and i felt good. And perhaps because i had NO resolutions, my year went by in such a surprising flash! I did the things i swore i would do, not cause of the new year's but because of my heart. And. I. Was. Happy. .... I am happy.

So my new year's resolutions/ the things i will and will not do for the 2011 are, in no particular order or pupose...

1.  In 2011, i will be happy.
2.  I will not put myself on the shelf nor put myself out for a discount, ever. 
3.  I will find love only if love finds me and that love will be respectable.
4.  I will forever be free, born free and liberated. (with limitations)
5.  I will keep celebrating the beautiful things in life and attempt to create them too.
6.  I will be more mature and control my temper better.
7.  I will not do things in the heat of the moment that i will regret my whole life.
8.  I will not procrastinate longer than 2 months.
9.  I will face challenges with courage.
10.  I will save money
11.  I will not be a shopaholic.
12.  I will not procrastinate longer than 2 months.
13. I will treat my mother better. And be closer to my family.
14. I will keep in better touch with all the people and my dog who i care about and really make an effort
15. I will try more things that i havent tried. (Including weird dessert flavours) 
    I will try to go to cleaner places and breathe cleaner air
    I will exercise at least once in 2 weeks, constantly, so i dont get stretch marks. 
    I will try to be successful in France and every other place i go away from home.
    I will try not to be home sick
    I will not be such a clean ocd freak.
    I will love myself more.
    I will find the good in everybody.

I think some of these things that i have written may be a little out of my reach or things that i have no control of as yet. Explains the number fifteenthsssss. But i have not written impossible things as i have written out of spite and angst in one of my previous posts. I think i've tried a lot of things this year and because of it. Im not afraid.

2011 HERE WE COME! :)

bon voyage everybody!

Jason mraz, i couldn't love you more. Please love me back, if only for awhile, give me inspiration to write this letter.

i cant quite see your face through the burning glass
your shadow moves like the fire is distorting you, eating you alive
when will you turn around and look at me?
as the assuring affirmation i need to tell the truth?
and not be afraid.


when will you turn around and look at me?
so i'll have someone. someone. someone. ..........

best day ever.

I told a lie, and God made it come true. 

I attribute the following lack of thought to my comatose confusion and alcohol. 
mom's mad. but im frickin 19 and i can do what i want. which is why im going to France. im taking detours in my life. Im making wrong choices and not doing what everyone else is doing with their lives. You say i take the low way i say i take the high way. That kind of fucked up excuse can get me to France and back with no money, no job and no life. I could be gone and wasted. I could come back with nothing and choices that define who i am by labels. But i feel like i want to take those choices, be a waste of space and then relive life. Like as if life could be relived ten times over. Please God, guide me to the light. All i want from father Christmas is nine lives. You can take the tenth and relive yours. maybe this way so you can understand all the hopeless souls out there better and give them shelter. If only. The thoughts in our head that we have lost could find a way of coming back to us in the end. If only. They had technology that could scan a book within 5 mins and be able to commit the entire content to the brain. I would be smarter. I wouldn't be facing awkward choices and I wouldn't be spending Christmas with family bt still feeling alone. If only, i could do what i want when i want. Buy the 98686123820399999999 things that i want and still have money left over to buy the things i dont want and give them to people like Santa. If only i could spend all my life making beautiful things without learning wat beautiful means to the public. It  really is true when they say you'd never admit you're drunk. I feel like im on a high so beyond everything no liquids can save me. im not drunk. Im going to France. I will graduate so i have something to say when people ask me "what do you do" instead of how do you do. nobody asks that nowadays anymore. And then i will travel the world and do things i never got to do. and not say "im 19 i can do what i want" anymore.

i will have had a tattoo
i will have had a fatherless child
i will have tried to kill myself
i will have touched another girl
i will have had meaningless sex
i will have done drugs
i will have slept forever
i will have had multiple piercings
i will have had a boyfriend i wanted to keep
i will have overdosed on icecream
i will have had a sleepover
i will have been too rich to handle
i will have had a police dog and a poodle
i will have been para-sailing
i will have jumped out of a plane
i will have learnt martial arts and meditation
i will have died and come back to life
i will have hot legs


xo

All i want for christmas is a sycamore tree.
I was feeling really bad just now, bitter and angry. And bitter. Bitter at my friends. The ones who've been here for me all this while. We've had our bad times but i dont think i should ever feel bitter at them again. Because along with it comes guilt and hurt. And because they are my friends.





Flipped. Cheered me up a whole bit :)

I fell asleep trying to learn french i.e Les Choristes.

I've got to go handle more annoying matters about christmas

BAH. HUMBUG.

I almost just gave up.

keep forgetting that there is a purpose im trying to fulfill

GETTING. DISTRACTED..

I can see word for word what they are saying in french except that i only understand a meager (had to spell-check this word. I thought it was meagre and it is, except in latin.) amount of words.

Document de experience...

I have just downloaded the french script of les choriste.
It is fantastic. But also a mess of what i do not know.

The movie does not have french or english subtitles. Hence im watching the movie in french with Chinese subtitles. Then referring to the script to see exactly what they said in french.

Because i refused to be defeated by FRENCH or whoever this Febian/Phebian person is.
And because my knowledge of existing french films is limited to only Les Choristes, The adventures of adele blanc-sec And Amelie.
I have resigned myself to watching this show ten times over. Until I pick all or none of French. Learn French or die trying.

Au revoir!

WE R FEVER we are fever
WE AIN'T BORN TYPICAL.

There's no shame in being crazy.

I CUT MY HAIR!!!!!

:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

i feel SO GOOD! :)
This is one of the best days i've had the whole year. (now that the year is finally ending)
end of year reflections another time! I've got to go very soon for french lesson!

Alienate myself from everybody. Welcome denial. Defense mechanism.

Makes me sound like a machine.
Makes my heart feel like a machine.






I need help. but i dont know how. 

Sing, dance, steal things.

Im feeling better.

I have a major fetish with kinder surprise. The ones with the empty eggs inside and the toy. Not so much for the toy actually. I just like to buy them for the yummy chocolates.
This year for easter, I bought a whole lot of them, the ones in the pack of 3 and kept, like to savour slowly. and they melted. of course! they melted! what was i thinking?
But anyway its so sad that they have replaced it with some dumb version kinder joy? or something with the squishy egg insides and chocolate balls. Its so cliche! like real eggs. [Candy is for imagination! I mean the toy inside is a totally rad concept!] I tried it once and hated it. Then complained to my friends. And everyone agrees and complains too. so (WHYYYY!!!!)
A lot of my friends around my age grew up eating them too so naturally, the change is horrid. And the worst part is they only make the kinder surprise now for easter. Which explains why i bought like 10 packs of three. which melted. but i salvaged the toys. and forgot where they went. I bet my baby cousins came over and then took them home. I cant believe their parents let them do that. Its called STEALING. and anyway even if you put your kids in front of me and ask them to ask me if they can take it, its like blackmailing. WITH YOUR CHILD.

Kegan asked me if i like Jason Mraz. Yea, it was a real question not rhetorical. I suppose the title of this post sayzzzz it all. hell yeah? even the title of his album is awesome. so are the songs. (and the word awesome is not over-rated) Its literally the best way to live. If i dared. I havent done the last one. enough. I need to do it.

I mean the other day I walked out of topshop with the black kohl and i honest to god didnt even know it was in my hands. I WAS gg to buy it but i walked around for so long i forgot. And no beepers. no one stopped me. But i went back in to pay for it. lame. right? (i talk like i would do it, but im actually really cowardly)
Eventually when i paid for it, and the lady asked if i needed a bag. nope right? cause that was all i bought. so she gave me a sticker. not even a PAID sticker. the stickers they use to clip the bag tgt. Ya. I could have really walked out covering the sticker and nobody. nobody. would know. Its amazing what holes they have in their system. I guess Singapore really is too safe.

I've gtg. Meeting faith in 15 minutes and i haven't even bathed yet after calling her just now and exclaiming "of course i'll be on time"

PS- She went to clubmed, they named a drink after her. Can I have some Faith please? no. really.

PPS- Im gonna cut my hair tmr. 12noon.

Drug me.

Can't be sorry.

Ignoring everything for a night on the town :D

Opposite ends of my mouth curved into a downright frown.

So.sad.

Got Fired.

Im so tired. and Im so scared.
What do i do now?

some people just have it easy with their emotions. I, on the other hand, find myself just being. well, melo-dramatic or nothing.

Take for example whatever im going to type right now. (that i will regret in the morning)

I dont care that i worked for free for 6 months. I dont care that during those times that i worked FOC, i prolly also worked longer hours than anyone else who got paid. I dont care that i also put in everything i got because it was passion or nothing (cause even though i had a lot to offer, no one would listen to me with no certificate, so that was all i offered. and i offered all of it) I also dont care that it ruined my sleeping times, my social life, my spare time, my thinking time, my life. I dont even care that because of this "job" where no one took me seriously, I put my entire life on hold and stopped figuring out what i wanted to do. I dont even care that i chose 6 months to be my lifetime rather than my already promising lifetime that would possibly lead to even more promising ideas. I dont even care that I'm already submitting myself to perhaps something beyond my ability or something that i will never feel challenged by. I dont even care that i have been kept awake for ages. I dont even care that my best friend is angry at me. I dont even care that my mom is angry at me. I dont even care that my future is still on hold. I dont even care that i lost some stupid security pass i have to pay thirty bucks to replace. I dont even care that my day has been just about SHIT.

What i do care about, is how nice i've been to everyone, and how i've tried to put my life on a very positive hold, change my life around so i wont start having suicidal thoughts anymore, how i've been happy everyday; And how it has just been shot down as not being "serious" about my work. **** YOU ALL. **** HUMAN LABOUR. **** EVERYONE FOR NOT SEEING HOW "serious" I AM. What I do care about is a little respect, and some appreciation. What i do care about is letting them see just how important i am and proving them old frickin stubborn minds.

what is it with people and their prides, they're spoilt and stubborn just as they were a million years ago.

beggin you.

I wish i had all the right moves in all the right places

hurting in silence.
.
.
.
.
.
and getting blamed for it

"lets go try those new yoghurt balls"
"pfft why?!"
"b'cause i said so.   ... nah i heard they are great"
"from who?!"
"errrrr.... uhhhh.... ummm.... its a rumor i heard!"
"pfft."
"hey, rumors become real k once they are tried and tested"
"meh..
.
.
..
(after)
its a rumor-dream come true!!!!(gasping inbtwn yoghurt balls)"

I pry myself away from my dead thoughts
and pretend to stare inquisitively at my morning cereal as if food science is my major
my mother walks past, and the scenario entirely changes. 
Its like im certified to act differently according to circumstance.
Act like im okay so she wont ask me differently.
"ma, please feed me more cereal" (with a smile)
I get fed.
But i'm not hungry, all i really want is to tell her that my life is in trouble and i want to be saved. 

can't sleep;

am i the only sour cherry on the fruit stand?

Before i got a job, i was sleeping at 7am and getting up at 4 in the afternoon. And i made all kinds of excuses for myself that it was what owls do. That morning to me was at 2pm and at 4pm it was noon and i would 1.prepare to go out or 2. do what i always do, sleep in, watch bad movies. And that was not a life. because no matter how matter times i called it right, it was always wrong wrong wrong. Everything was wrong and wrong is messing with nature. Why the earth spins? I dont know. But what i do know is that its a force that i cannot reckon with. Nature is nature. And it is not human for me to be as awake as i am now. And at 4 in the afternoon, even though i had just eaten my breakfast. I'd pick up my phone and realise that i had nothing to do. And if i wanted to go out instead of watching movies i couldnt. because i had missed calls 2 hrs, 8hrs earlier and it was too late. or no one would be free. and since Other days i just sleep in, i hadnt missed anyone. and no one had missed me. I was late. As usual. But later, than usual. I had no time to think because i usually woke up comatose. Thanks, of course to nature trying to mess with me. And in the middle of the night, (not MY night) I would start thinking of all the things i had to do like apply for schools and such and these thoughts bore down on me. But then, i would fall asleep, and wake up at 4 in the afternoon, and again it was too late to call in any schools or send in my applications. And just like that, by only ONE factor. I let my life down so much, and i missed so many opportunities. What is life?

Today i woke up stoned and comatose. (And i've been impossible to wake up nowadays, its like im so limp i just fall back on my pillow and its instant sleep.) It's been awhile since i felt that way. I went to French class an hour late and i couldnt learn my les nombres right. I was strangely awkward to anyone who spoke to me and i just. didnt. have. an. answer. for .anyone. I walked out in a terrific daze. And by TERriFiC i mean a fantastic ignorance to everything around me (which is an extremely good thing by the way) and NOTHING affected me. I was like buddha, above and beyond.

French and its Exceptions, a wonderful romanticism, pure poetry and illogical sense. A good thing.