I told a lie, and God made it come true. 

I attribute the following lack of thought to my comatose confusion and alcohol. 
mom's mad. but im frickin 19 and i can do what i want. which is why im going to France. im taking detours in my life. Im making wrong choices and not doing what everyone else is doing with their lives. You say i take the low way i say i take the high way. That kind of fucked up excuse can get me to France and back with no money, no job and no life. I could be gone and wasted. I could come back with nothing and choices that define who i am by labels. But i feel like i want to take those choices, be a waste of space and then relive life. Like as if life could be relived ten times over. Please God, guide me to the light. All i want from father Christmas is nine lives. You can take the tenth and relive yours. maybe this way so you can understand all the hopeless souls out there better and give them shelter. If only. The thoughts in our head that we have lost could find a way of coming back to us in the end. If only. They had technology that could scan a book within 5 mins and be able to commit the entire content to the brain. I would be smarter. I wouldn't be facing awkward choices and I wouldn't be spending Christmas with family bt still feeling alone. If only, i could do what i want when i want. Buy the 98686123820399999999 things that i want and still have money left over to buy the things i dont want and give them to people like Santa. If only i could spend all my life making beautiful things without learning wat beautiful means to the public. It  really is true when they say you'd never admit you're drunk. I feel like im on a high so beyond everything no liquids can save me. im not drunk. Im going to France. I will graduate so i have something to say when people ask me "what do you do" instead of how do you do. nobody asks that nowadays anymore. And then i will travel the world and do things i never got to do. and not say "im 19 i can do what i want" anymore.

i will have had a tattoo
i will have had a fatherless child
i will have tried to kill myself
i will have touched another girl
i will have had meaningless sex
i will have done drugs
i will have slept forever
i will have had multiple piercings
i will have had a boyfriend i wanted to keep
i will have overdosed on icecream
i will have had a sleepover
i will have been too rich to handle
i will have had a police dog and a poodle
i will have been para-sailing
i will have jumped out of a plane
i will have learnt martial arts and meditation
i will have died and come back to life
i will have hot legs


xo